This is where I am today. One foot in front of the other. Moving forward with purpose. Trudging. Seems this is a common state these days. Today is going to be busy and a myriad of attempts to let the feelings sink in while attempting to keep up with the breakneck pace of today’s life schedule. I know it isn’t an accident. I am over scheduled for a reason. And that is likely so I do not have to feel all the feels.
I am calling myself out here. I am an over feeler - who does her best to not feel. Mostly likely because once I let those pesky feelings in, I don’t seem to be able to control, stop, thwart, redirect or “feel” like I can survive them. So here we are.
It is an auspicious day and then it is also just Wednesday. Just another day in my life and I have to do all the things I usually do when the day dawns. That is just how it goes I guess.
I am up early and that is a good sign. I am tired though and that is not a good sign. I have immense gratitude for the life I have even though right now it feels hard and binding. Tomorrow I leave for a writing retreat (self imposed) and will attempt to do some inner work long left neglected and languishing. There is a lot going on and I know, that despite my quiet weekend with no plans, the comfort and peaceful surroundings are necessary to quell my very, very, very active inner life. And if I am honest, I kind of dread the idea of sitting still with all of this shit.
But I know that activity’ing it doesn’t get me where I want to go so I have to do something differently. And so I will.
Life is happening and that is good. Trudging, while not the most fun activity I can think of, is forward movement. And that is good. Moving forward, not a breakneck speed, is probably warranted and trudging seems just the cadence of what is needed to counterbalance the popcorning my feelings are doing right now.
I tell myself:
There you go.
Deeper this time.
Keep doing that.
Slow, long deep breaths until that panicky vibration calms.
I say to myself, “um, that could take years...”
Again to myself, “exactly...”