Not a fun sentence to start off the day with...at least for me. I have attracted a lot of really good things in my life. I do not read the first sentence to mean that we attract bad things because we aren’t worthy, I read it to mean that we pull towards us stuff that we deserve which would bring health, happiness, fulfillment. So all the good stuff is right there, within our grasp. Everyone. No exceptions.
What fucks us all is that we only receive that which we will tolerate.
Meaning, all that good stuff can be all around us but we can’t receive it because we are too busy tolerating some pretty horrific shit so the good stuff has no place to land.
I had a therapist once who asked me this:
Therapist:
Do you believe that there is a finite amount of room for things in your life?
Me:
I am not sure what you mean...
Therapist:
Like you can only have so many jobs, friends, clothes, things that bring you joy, things that bring you pain, all the stuff in life, there is a limit, right?
Me:
I guess so (I wasn’t really picking up what she was laying down...chances are I was ridiculously hungover).
Therapist:
Well, if there is a finite amount of space in your life (you just agreed this was correct) then how can any good stuff ever land when you have filled your life to the brim with drunkness, men that do not care about you and friends that have never risen to the occasion of the word?
Me:
Ummmmmm. That feels mean.
Therapist:
If you fill your life with shit, there is just no place for any good to exist.
Let me tell you that was a very bad day. But it was a beginning of me seeing that I am responsible of the beings and things in my life. Me. Not you. Not him. Not her. Certainly not them.
Me. I am the one that grants access and receives. Me.
This sentence hit me hard yesterday. It is not mine, I pulled it from social media and I forgot to write down who said it. So I am not giving proper credit and I am truly sorry about that. I am owning that it is not my own original thought.
It hit me because truth weighs more than lies. And so getting smacked with truth, hurts way more than getting feathered with untruth. Which is likely why we are so much more accepting of deceit than honesty.
The universe is this complex ever evolving expanse. But its laws and principles are really quite simple. We attract what we deserve. If we cheat, lie, steal, rape and pillage, we are going to attract those kind of people and their attendant consequences into our lives. If we do our best to show up, do the right thing, be a good person, we will attract those kind of people and their attendant consequences into our lives.
Now, this is not to say that if you live this moral, decent life that you are assured a pass on all the heartbreak and suffering. No, sometimes we are just in the path of those rapers and pillagers and we are collateral damage. We are literally in collision with other beings orbit. We didn’t attract that shit to us. We just happened to be standing too close as it came flying by...and we were pulled into the orbit. At least this is what I believe.
But this idea that we receive what we tolerate really hurt me. Because it reminded me that I am responsible for the beings in my life. I can’t stop the meteorite people that come crashing through, but I can not allow horrible, mean, indecent people to be close to me and my life. And if I find that I have liars, cheats and thieves in my daily orbit, it may not be because it is what I attracted, but instead because of what I am willing to tolerate. Again. Still.
And folks, I am willing to tolerate a lot. I mean a fuck ton. I will put up with some insane bullshit. And while I am way better than I used to be, I am nowhere near at that place where I am willing to stop receiving shit that I have to tolerate.
And that realization is painful. And has not started off my day with a bang. In fact, it started off my day with being pissed off and upset. Disturbed. And I so want to blame everyone else. I want it to desperately be someone else’s issue. But, as always, it is not. It is mine. Me. I am the problem.
Fuck.
But I see the slightest glimmer of hope...and that is that I have lived and continue to live a good life. I do not cheat, steal, rape or pillage. I am a good person so therefore, I do attract a good many wonderful things. I deserve a good life just as much as anyone. But a good life, being loved and loving, that applies to everyone equally, like gravity. There is no one that is more deserving of a good life, good things, love than any other.
So I can continue to attract good shit. I just have to work on not receiving the bullshit that I will tolerate. And that is a lot to swallow on any day. And it kind of makes me want to go back to bed...wait, I am still in bed. Whew!
The shining hope for me today is that I get to make a choice about what I receive. And that all begins with what I will tolerate. And that is something that I can alter and change right now. Here. In this day and moment, I can decide to accept less bullshit into my life. And the beings that bring it.
It is going to be an interesting day. Waking up fed up is not a usual feeling for me...but perhaps it should be.