Starting Over...Again, Still.

Starting Over...Again, Still.

How many times in a lifetime can one person begin again?

Apparently, many, many times.

I can see that there is a lesson here and I have just not been getting it. And that is not for lack of trying. I have really tried. But the work I have done thus far in life just isn’t sufficient to really carry me past this hard detour that I keep taking...

Life is full of endings and beginnings. And I seem to fear the endings and loathe the beginnings. It is an incessant cycle in life where my persevering nature just kicks my fucking ass.

Things are of the nature to fall apart.

Things are of the nature to come together.

What is now crystal clear, is that I am not in charge of the falling apart or coming together. My job is really just to first survive it, and then, hopefully, to learn from it.

And sometimes the larger, over reaching lesson, has a lot of smaller lessons that do not seem like lessons in the moment. They seem like something else entirely. They seem like fun, or passion, or novelty, or love. They seem like something else until the boomerang comes back and squares off with the back of your head.

Life is like that, quite a fucker.

I do best when I see all that happens to me, happens for me. Even the excruciatingly painful things that make me want to light the shit up and burn it fucking down. Even those things.

Life is really about how you show up. And even as things are currently falling apart, I am proud of the way I have shown up. I have been kind, loving, generous, forgiving and patient. Now it is time to be resolved. To be done. To begin whatever process moving on entails.

It is hard and painful. But I am moving forward with the idea that if I, perhaps, really take the time to learn this particular lesson well, I might have a chance of not repeating it.

It helps me to see that each new dawn gives us a reminder that we only have the day we are in, we all start over every morning and give life all that we have. I know I endeavor to awaken each day and give all I have to offer to all that I encounter, all that I meet, all that I love and even to those I really do not care for all that much. I show up with the intention to fully, meaningfully participate in this most amazing life I have.

I am grateful for the time to reflect, inventory my part, to see the errors of my way. And to be afforded another opportunity to begin again. Because from where I currently sit, beginning again is a privilege and opportunity. Again, still. 

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