There is so much life to be lived. And so very often, I have missed life and great opportunities because I refused to accept what is. I colored the people and relationships to be something other than what actually was, and so I ended up usually being disappointed when the things I was so excited about turned out to be something other than what I thought...in fact, they were something else all along.
I have worked the whole of my life to change what is into something more palatable to me. I want things to be something else, something better, bigger, funner and if I can’t find all of that in the actual moment, I have this magical mind that just creates it for me. Lies I tell myself that I wholeheartedly buy. So much so that I can’t see the set up for disappointment even though it is usually present all the while.
I began some time ago to really try to pay attention to what is, instead of what I would like it to be. I will be the first one to admit that life is a little less fun when I am not painting everything to be the way that I want it to be...but missing some of the inevitable disappointment that comes, doesn’t suck either. So far, it is kind of a toss up!
Life may not look as rosy to me all the time now, which is hard for someone like me. I have this innate need to make things better than they are, to color them fantastic which is a personality quirk that has fucked me up more times than I can count, and yet, still I persist.
So I am working on being ok with what is. Not what I would like it to be. Not what I can kid myself into believing. Not what I would prefer. And while it may sound easy, it really isn’t. I seem to have this almost pathological need to reframe things, not just from something negative to positive, but also from something possible into something that is.
And the whole of my life has been about making things happen, pushing, controlling, forcing, and it has served me better than expected which is why it is now so hard to accept what is. It likely pales in comparison to all my grand ideas and schemes. But what I am learning, slowly, very fucking slowly, is that sometimes if I can resist my urge to color, change, alter, reframe reality into something more to my liking or dominion, I find unexpected gifts in the absence of all my controlling denial of what is really there all the while.
My experience of what is, is changing. Perhaps some of the delusion of youth is finally growing up, this idea that I know better or best. That I can figure it out, better than the universe. That I should and can make shit happen. What I am learning is that if I can just sit still long enough, what is might turn into something much different and better than I thought.
It is what it is. Except for me that has never really applied. What is is what I can make, change, deny, refuse, alter...I have so much experience with not accepting what is, but I never knew it because I was always changing what is into something else before what is could even begin to flower into existence.
It is a lot of work to sit with what is and not try to change it into something else. And I think I have finally learned that my refusal to accept what is, for whatever it is, keeps me stuck in this endless loop of my own making. Life lived completely and totally on self will and arrogance. I mean I can’t accept what is because I am too busy deciding that I know better and sometimes maybe I really do, but sometimes maybe I don’t. Maybe what is, if left alone, will blossom into something beyond my imagination and control. But I never get to find that out because I am always jumping into the fray long before what is ever really has a chance to bloom.
So I am trying something new, allowing what is to just be there. Doing my best to sit on my hands and stop myself from making decisions about what is and, instead, allowing what is to flower into its coming existence with no help from me whatsoever.
Sometimes it is excruciating...sometimes it isn’t hard at all. I am learning...ever so slowly...but I am learning. And perhaps what is might surprise me with being better than what I could have ever make happen on my own.