It has been overcast and shitty for days. I think we have seen the sun maybe once in the last week. It is no bueno for me. While I appreciate the lack of heat, my mental state is foundering because of all the gray. And I do understand as a resident of Southern California that I really have no room to bitch. However, in my defense, I will say I moved here so I could have sunshine more because I really do know my mood depends on it...
It might kill me.
It is such a weird situation, I mean, I like the down time. When it is sunny all the time I can’t relax, or sit still. It is as if the sun warms my atoms into almost frenetic motion and like an irresistible force, I am unable to do much about that except GO! Likewise, when it is rainy or threatening to rain, gray and cloudy, everything in my life takes on that outward appearance, internally. I am blah. And sometime worse than blah.
I know the brilliant sunshine is coming and that I will wish for a reprieve. I feel August and September’s heat and know that I will be longing for these days of gray and fret. But today on what feels like day 425 of gray, I am longing for a little sunshine to lighten my mood and lift my spirits.
Perhaps what I would like more is to feel better emotionally. It has been a hard week, like super hard. I feel like I am barely hanging on and this is not a typical feeling for me. I had a complete crying meltdown in the Social Security Administration Office yesterday. Like snot and tears and just so much water pouring from my eyes (not unlike the sky - except with the sky there is never snot thanks be to God!) I couldn’t stop it. I was just so overwrought and done with all my attempts at living to be thwarted and misaligned. I know that isn’t really how my life is but with this fucking weather, I am kind of dying inside.
I then tried to normalize myself and went to Trader Joe's with the hopes that some normalcy would cease the crying. Nope. I walked around Trader Joe's unable to stop the tears. I left. I mean, no use brining all the people there down with me.
I find myself looking upward at the sky, praying for some glimpse of the sun and its magical healing powers. For some light to rain down upon me instead of this spitting haze that does not seem to ever go away or end.
I find myself wishing I was someone else. Someone less affected by things such as clouds and murk. That I could be happy and joyful despite the weather. But it feels impossible. I am solar powered regardless of what I might think or like.
I do understand the weather could improve and that would not change my mood, perhaps at all. And I don’t know what I will do then. What if it isn’t just the weather? What if it is just me? This is my new normal, depressed, sad and really upset about having to get out of bed on the daily...
I know another mood will arrive and it will be better than the one I currently have...but when for fuck’s sake? I need some sunshine in my life like pronto!
And I need some acceptance that this is just where I am right now. Things are in flux, all of it, love life, career, kids, financially, and I am here doing the next indicated thing. And I am succeeding. I am showing up and doing my best. I guess what I want the most is to feel better about it all. And I know I will, just as soon as the sun decides to grace us with her presence.
Please hurry up sunshine. Please.