Is this your first year heading into the holidays post separation?
Whether you have been separated for months or just a couple of weeks, this time of
year is always hard on those who are going through a separation/divorce.
Let’s talk about the elephant in your well-appointed and holiday decorated living room
first…
Now is the biggest coupley/family driven time of the year…and you just walked out of
your coupley/family situation or had your world upended by being walked out upon. Not
really feeling the coupley/family vibe?
This is completely understandable and normal.
Before I launch headlong into a whole bunch of easy tips, let’s just take a moment to
observe the following…Your first holiday season post separation/divorce is going to be hard.
Period.
It doesn’t matter if you have a new family, significant other, have your kids, don’t have your kids, taking a trip, not taking a trip. Emotionally it is going to be hard…for everyone.
I say, embrace the hard. It is going to be a hard time for someone in your family.
You.
Your Ex, Your kids.
Your parents.
Your ex’s parents.
Someone is going to have a hard time with the holiday happiness and the lack of family unity this year.
Likely all of you…at the same time.
If it is you that is having a hard time. I suggest that you take a step back and assess
what it is you’re grieving. And it is grief…even if you are the one that left. You still get to
grieve even if you are the one that cheated, that left, that messed it up. Grief doesn’t
only settle on the righteous. Grief comes for all of us, regardless of whether we are
guilty or saintly.
So, I suggest try to figure out what it is you are grieving: the physical
comfort, the break in tradition, the loss of unity, the companionship that is usually still
present in even some of the most dysfunctional unions. Make a list. What exactly are
you having a hard time with?
Once you have your list, organize it into things you can control and things you can’t.
Here is a quick pointer…if it has anything to do with another person, place or thing, that
falls into the category of items you can’t control.
Once you have all the things you are finding hard and grieving down into the two columns, try this:
For the list that is out of your control, give it to the Universe, God or whatever you
believe to be good and holy. You don’t have to be spiritual or religious to do this. If you
believe in nothing supreme, then just plain hand it over to anyone but you. I also
suggest writing each unmanageable item down on a piece of paper and placing them somewhere symbolic, perhaps a box especially designated: a cigar box, jewelry box,
anything where you can keep them together and away from prying eyes. Write the date
down next to each item you are putting in the box. Run out of space?
Get a bigger box!
(More on the box later...).
Now for the harder side of your list, the things you can change…
Your life and security have just been addressed. In real time and in a real way.
The family system that you dedicated yourself to has just imploded (to varying degrees) and you are reeling, numb, angry, confused, sad, lonely, scared, tired and generally
uncomfortable. Whatever it is you feel, admit it. Don’t deny it. Try to get to know how
you are feeling well.
Do you feel it in your body or is it more ephemeral than that?
Are you not sleeping or sleeping all the time? Don’t be afraid of the “negative” emotions,
they are here to teach you something, yes, perhaps something you didn’t want to know,
but something, nonetheless.
For the things you can change, pick one thing that you can change right now. Your
attitude is a good place to start. Your life is not over, just the way you were living it. This
separation/divorce is happening for you AND to you. It was ok before and it will be ok
again. The best and most kind thing you can do for yourself right now is to take a
breath, pat yourself on the back and give yourself a break.
Stop the negative self-talk, the constant and relentless nagging fear that dogs your every step. Just work on being positive about something good in your life for five minutes. Start there.
Perhaps you are one of those go-getter types and there is something way more tangible
you can do on your side of the divorce street…pick one…ONLY ONE! And begin there.
Perhaps you can call an attorney, or pack up a box, or open a new checking account,
call a coach…just one thing!
Then stop.
Yes, stop. Put away all thoughts of divorce and family disruption.
Go snuggle on the couch with your dog/kid/coziest blanket/new love interest/self. Leave the list behind until tomorrow…do something self-affirming and kind to the most amazing part of your failed union...YOU! You may be losing a marriage but you are gaining more time with the most important relationship you will ever have…the one with yourself. Yay you!
Erin Schaden is a writer, divorce coach, divorce attorney and mediator. She is the Chief
Operating Officer of Fait & DiLima a boutique family law firm based in Rockville,
Maryland and serving the surrounding areas.
If you would like to book a consult with Erin or another member of the firm, please reach out to eschaden@fdfamilylaw.com.
Everyone at Fait & DiLima is here to help you get through to the other side where your
new life begins.