Huh? What does that even mean?
I am not sure but it is a constant refrain in my head lately. It comes to me in busy moments, in quiet ones, in stillness and sometimes it wakes me up in the middle of the night. I am beginning to think that it is the root cause of all this itching.
Yes, the fucking itching is back. I felt so much better but now it is here again and I don’t know what to do. Doctor’s appointment I guess. Dermatologist? Allergist? Fuck, I don’t know and I really do not want to deal with it.
Life has felt very overwhelming lately. Too much of bad things, too much of the good things too. It just all feels like too much. I know it isn’t, too much, but this is the way I feel so often lately, running to stand still and it hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it.
Change my love.
I do not know how to love differently? Myself or anyone else. I just know this way. The way that I have always done it. Too much or not enough, or not the right kind or with the right person. I do not know how to change the way I love. But I know that I need to.
This is a hard place to be, in the middle of change. I mean the first part is knowing that a change is needed which can take lifetimes, and often does. But there are also other things that do change but slowly, or dramatically, and I am not sure how to manage that either. I am feeling very lost. Like I just keep showing up and I just keep losing ground.
I have retreated a great deal, away from the people, places and things. I find myself just consumed with the daily living tasks, so much so that I have begun to resent them. The time they take, the way they occupy me, take away from the things that I would rather be doing such as work, writing, reading, walking in the woods alone.
I am not alone, really very often, but I feel alone a great deal of the time. I just don’t feel connected, and then when I make voyages out to connection land, I just get overwhelmed and that makes me want to retreat even more. I feel used up, spent, and tired. All of the time.
Change my love.
I know this is what I need to do but I am still grasping at straws. I am foundering. I am lost and don’t know what to do next. This is the perilous predicament of long term sobriety I think. I mean, all the things that I did got me to here. So now what? Seems silly to keep going when I am still largely dissatisfied with my current situation. But I am not sure how to change it, feels too hard, complicated and something that I do not have the energy for...
So I retreat. I isolate. I pretend not to notice and it is easy to do because no one really even notices that I have wholly left the building. I am that good at pretending all is well and all is fine and I am happy, which is a huge disservice to all of us because I know the truth is that I am not happy, really at all.
I walked the beach alone with the dogs yesterday and it was the first moment of true peace I have felt in months. I lingered, I languished, I dawdled. And when it was time, finally to return to my car, I was aware of this inner two year old throwing an over tired, over stimulated tantrum in my soul. She didn’t want to leave, she didn’t want to go home. Why? Because home is fraught with issues and problems and people that I cannot control and I don’t really even want to. I just want them all to grow up and deal with their shit. And stop trying to make me responsible for all of it.
Home used to be my sanctuary. Now it feels like a place I want to avoid which is really self destructive because I need the sanctuary. Like, I NEED it.
So I began yesterday to change my love. At least with myself. I told myself good things. I bought myself good food to eat. I rested and worked and then spent hours combing the beach in search of sea glass and heart rocks. I found them. Tiny treasures that littered the beach, and then with a sudden swoop, came to rest in the pocket of my worn out shorts. It was a lovely afternoon.
I committed to spend all Sunday afternoons in this manner and then I thought about how much the beings in my home would cause that to be not possible. And I felt trapped and isolated and alone. The sun was shining and I could feel its warmth on my back as I strode down the beach...and it was like the sun pushing me towards home which is where all the changes to my love must begin. With myself, with me, with them.
It is not easy to change your love. Not inside, not outside, not at all. This is most especially true if you aren’t even sure where to begin.
But I have an inkling that it is just a place to begin. Start anywhere, there is room for improvement all round. Just begin to change the way that I love, the way that I care, the way that my heart hurts because of these fractured and broken avenues that I have tried to love into full blossom. Maybe they just aren’t supposed to. Maybe it isn’t their time. Maybe it is just time for me, for me to love me enough to say what is on my mind and heart. Maybe this is how one changes their love...
Guess I will have to let you know...